HARDWARE FETISH

some of you clicked on this page expecting a review of a game called "hardware fetish". sadly, that doesn't exist. (to my knowledge. if there is one out there, let me know and i will play it in a heartbeat even if it's like, some awful uninspired "eroge" 2d platformer made by a twitter doomscroller in which every character has cow tits and unironically uses the term "slamfuck")

hi. it's been... 8 months? shit. i guess that figures. the last gaming post i had planned for this site was a review of max payne 1 and 2. sadly, my brain was vaporized by the awesomeness of sam lake, rendering me unable to write or continue my education. honestly, college makes me miserable and i don't learn anything while i'm there. i had rather big plans of starting the online cybersecurity technical degree/certification/thingy and convincing a couple of dorks to let me move in with them up in colorado, home of the rocky mountain high, but it didn't work out. i'd bite the bullet and move out there myself if the housing market wasn't a dumpster fire and/or i had the ability to save money rather than impulse spending it on hardware i review on my website. oops.

anyway,
in the past year, my fascination with video games has matured into a fetish for flawed and archaic technology. it's why my favorite console is the saturn, instead of something normal. it's why i love games that look and run like your grandmother. and thanks to a year of steady employment and a lack of a frontal lobe, i've been able to invest a shit ton of time, research, and money into some lovely devices that i'll be reviewing here today.

TODAY'S TOPICS (IN ORDER OF PURCHASE DATE)

THE NINTENDO DSi XL

this journey began with a realization while bored out of my mind in a college class.
"man, i wish i had a ds again. i would totally be playing pokemon under my desk right now."
"wait a minute. i'm an adult. i have my own money. i can BUY one."
for the next few days i did jack shit except research ds models and compare ebay listings. in hindsight, i should have gotten an og ds. my sickly brain finds that bastard beyond fascinating in all its little flaws and design quirks (not to mention its gba compatability!). plus, handhelds are cuter when they're a smidge chunky. regardless, my yellow dsi xl is a super reliable console. i sank 120 HOURS into my copy of heartgold - a game i think is ok at best - cuz the ds is so fun to pull out and play with no matter the game. the dpad and face buttons are the second best nintendo ever cooked up, behind the n64. they're ultra-low on the travel without sacrificing feedback clikclickclick. where the game boy feels robust, this feels *classy*. i often find myself playing with the buttons even when the console is turned off cuz they just feel GOOD. i mean, the damn cartridge slot feels good!!!! it puts me in the mood to play immediately. and then you get into the actual library, which is perhaps the most widely appealing to ever hit the market. everyone from furries to your conservative grandfather had a few titles up their alley. it was a perfect situation where studios were mass producing games for all demographics, but thanks to a mismatch in console trends and handheld hardware, the most cynical of cash-ins were still oozing overambitious charm. 3d b-studio ds titles are SOOOOO cute!

you know what else is cute? the little boxes the carts come in. i'd collect ds games if the prices weren't so intimidating.

i do have a few complaints. first off: the bumper buttons should not have the same feel as the face buttons. give em more punch or something. second off: the dsi gba compatability is pitiful. third off: this shit is not durable. it scratches easily, which is dumb for a console intended to be poked at by young children on the go. though i play off an sd card, i do remember dealing with a lot of unreadable carts when i was younger. it definitely contributes to why i don't play it often. fourth, and this isn't really anything avoidable... i think the touchscreen can be irritating. when it's great (ninja gaiden) it's great, and i'm glad it exists, but the "benefits" it provides in a lot of titles are negligble in the face of having to grab the stylus and switch brain modes just to click a menu button or something. if only nintendo had had access to modern smartphone glass...

overall though? the ds is a good time. also, the yellow color reminds me of pikachu. i love pikachu :)

oh, and a quick shoutout to the sound hardware. ds audio compression sounds like magical shiny gemstones. this is necessary when half the music on your console is the dinkiest shit you've ever heard.

THE NEO GEO POCKET COLOR

i'm not sure how i found out about the ngpc. the only thing i remember was the very night i impulse-bought my beautiful blue baby device, and by that point i was already deeply in love. you'd have to be to blow 300 bucks on it (including the flashcart). in any case, this is the ideal 8 bit handheld. it's battery efficient. it feels sturdy and premium. it has stunning color capabilities that you cannot see thanks to the unlit lcd, which is a good thing actually because it discourages you from playing outside. it has a teeny tiny library that is almost 100% bangers. it has a MICROSWITCH CIRCLE PAD next to the most gorgeous glassy buttons i have ever seen in a compact vertical layout. most importantly, it has a port of that awful early vn from the remember11 guy. the dmg-001, in all its genius, barely compare's against snk's powerhouse. they were the masters of 2d! sadly, my battery life has taken a bit of a hit thanks to my modded ips screen and oh-so-sexy flashcart, but it's a small price to pay for the ideal on-the-go snk experience. this is demake HEAVEN. i was tempted to give a few recs, but i think you can't go wrong with a single of the 70ish english playable games. so go load a few onto your emulation-compatible handheld of choice or grab a flashcart (retro game scalpers are satan) and get playin!

THE NINTENDO 64

*ahem*
BUY A NINTENDO 64!!!
the sega saturn may be my favorite console, but the nintendo 64 is the one i'd most readily call "perfect". this sucker is BUILT TO LAST. it's simple, durable, serviceable, and timeless. the cartridges should outlive you if you take even a little care of them - but repro carts are reliable as long as the game doesn't require flash memory. then again, why would you even bother when the summercart64 flashcart is 50 DOLLARS and adds MORE features to your n64? i wish cartridge-based home consoles had survived the 90s. then again, i'm not sure how you could top this. it has the honor of being the **only** "retro" console i collect for. i currently own:

and as soon as i pick up a copy of daikatana, i'll consider my collection complete! i'm gonna save a bunch of money and buy a CIB copy of it. i think it'd be really sick if that was the only n64 game i owned in its og packaging.

in other news, i ordered a retrotink mini the other day in light of some "visually distinct" games that were pushing their luck on composite video. let me tell you: not only does the supplied s-video cable make a night and day difference, the retrotink upscaler + smoothing filter makes games look absolutely magical. it's like how i remembered n64 graphics being when i was younger. on Technical Freakshow resident evil 2, it kinda shits the bed, but the mini DOES have a passthrough mode. re2 with s-video and the expansion pak is mind-boggling as-is. i think this was 100 dollars well spent!

my final gear recommendation is the 8bitdo hall effect analog stick for the original controller. it's the only stick worth using, besides an oem (which deteoriates quickly) or one of those painstaking part-steel recreations of the oem you have to assemble yourself with an 200+ dollars worth of custom pieces. that's the best experience, but i'll settle for the second best experience at a 10th of the price and energy.

oh, and about that controller! i love it. the light texturing that covers all its plastics is so fun and it's visually appealing as hell thanks to the big colorful buttons and wacky shape (which lends itself to many control schemes!!! its a great controller layout!). i also like the fact that it settles for one analog stick and 2 dpads. dpads and face buttons are so much more intuitive and satisfying than sticks. imo 90% of "janky, poorly controlling early 3d" ps1 games control better than the best ps2 titles just cuz i'm not required to use sticks.

one last note: if you're a hardware pervert like me, save yourself some money and don't worry about whether the carts you buy are cleaned and tested. servicing these guys is a lot of fun. i've spent more time fawning over these damn carts than i have playing them, at this point...

THE PLAYSTATION 5

my opinion of all modern consoles was soiled by the anti-consumerist disasters of the past couple generations. i think the switch, ps4, and xbox one are the worst consoles ever released. however, i bought my brother a ps5 and figured i'd use it to play new games my pc can't run. i also thought it'd be kinda fun to collect games for it, so i've been buying cheaper physicals. here are my takeaways:

THE ANALOGUE POCKET

the analogue pocket is the most impeccable piece of hardware i have ever owned. i have dropped it on the ground. i have gotten various solids and liquids on it. i have taken it to places i should not have taken it. i have accidentally thrown it across my room. you could not tell by looking at it. this son of a bitch is DURABLE. the dpad, button, and screen complaints users have had? fixed by analogue. they were mostly due to overtightened screws. the matte finish on this is the best matte finish on any object. this thing feels so good in your hands and in your pocket. the screen can emulate terrible old lcds and its mindblowing. the os it comes with is minimalist perfection. the speakers are good (not a common statement in the handheld game!). the buttons and dpad, while not memorable and fun like my favorite controllers, are easy to press and sorta melt into the console. which is good! you shouldn't be thinking about the console while you're using it, because the WHOLE POINT of the thing is to "become" the hardware you want it to be. cuz it's an fpga!

playing splatterhouse on what's essentially a dmg is a heavenly experience. i often find myself staring at this console in pure wonderment. this is my new go-to for any and all 2d consoles, no doubt, no notes.

SURPRISE: BLU 6607

it's an offbrand smartphone. it sucks. i downloaded sonic cd onto it, so technically it counts as gaming hardware. i played sonic cd for 5 seconds before i remembered touch controls are the worst. i am very sad i had to switch from a flipphone to a smartphone. i trashed this phone as soon as i realized it couldn't be oem unlocked and switched to...

MOTO G PLAY 2024

listen. everyone wants a pixel. i want a pixel. the os options are amazing. but i don't have pixel money because i'm too busy buying expensive burgers from five guys and a bunch of made-in-japan electronics before these tariffs destroy my bank account. it's a solid phone, tedious oem unlock process aside. can you imagine the controversy if computer manufacturers started saying "nah, you're not allowed to access system files"? how is this any more acceptable in phones? i already broke the screen.

PSP 2000

i bought a psp because i wanted a psone and i found this had fascinatingly similar hardware. it also had a weird mini analog stick. it's like the psx if it was more sexy and fit in your pocket. i watched a disassembly video and got hard. its dpad is a better analog stick than most analog sticks, especially the rinky dink psp stick. i really thought that was some kinda rubber 3ds situation until i owned one. yeesh. in other words, i'm madly in love with it and will probably keep tweaking it and refurbishing it until i or it dies. i bought a glass lens for it because sony made them with plastic lenses for sum reasons. i also bought robocop and speed racer on umd. fuck the ps vita and its oversized dual analog bullshit.

don't believe the 3000 model bandwagoners. the psp 2000 is the only psp with an acceptable screen out of the box AND a umd slot. i want a psp go so bad. i also want a psp that doesn't have a strangely grainy analog stick! i've tried cleaning the son of a bitch 5 times and i still haven't succeeded.

TAPE-BASED MEDIA

still the best way to experience art. shoutout the zx spectrum


END OF HARDWARE REVIEW. tune in next time to find out whether or not the girl who's coming over to my house tomorrow cares about the modifications i've made to my psp.

(edit: she did not but she was very nice about it)

(since writing this i have gotten into guitar pedals. send help)